I am a Dad?!

So something I am sure you have figured out by now if you are reading this blog, I am a dad! Like for real. I have 2 beautiful girls. My beautiful daughter Kalayla is 9 and my little baby girl Kya is 10 month old and growing fast. It is crazy. 

Here is how it happened. A boy met a girl.... Ok, for real. I met Shannon when I moved to Michigan to start working at the church I am at. I saw this beautiful woman walking into church with a little 5 year old with her. The moment will always be in my memory because it is the first time I saw my wife and oldest daughter. 

Ok, so back to me being a dad. Shannon and I got married in November and began to work on the adoption papers for Kalayla right away, found out we were pregnant in August, and Kya was born in April and the adoption went through for Kalayla in June. So in a 2 year period I  went from single Tyler to married and a house full of girls. God is good. 

So I have had to learn how to be dad on the fly and what that means. I know that I fail at it every day and am trying harder and harder to be more patient, understand, compassionate, slow to anger, and fun, but it is not easy. Life completely changes when you go from individual to parent and not just a little bit, drastically. I had a friend how was a new father say that having a baby ruins your life. 

Ruins your life! Now that may seem harsh, but lets look at if for a second. When you have a baby your world gets completely flipped upside down. You go from going to bed when you want and waking when you want to sleeping sporadically as your baby wakes what seems to be constantly throughout the night and the nights she sleeps better seems to line up with the nights that your oldest is struggling with night-mirrors. You can't just go to the refrigerator and grab food. You have to make sure everyone has food and that table is set and everything is done so that everyone can eat. (my wife is great at that part). Make sure kids are in bed, teeth are brushed, diapers changed, rides to school, homework done, clothes washed, bathes taken, and the list goes on. So yes, saying that it ruins your life as it was before kids, I would have to say I agree.

Back to the whole father thing. I love my girls. I really do. They make me so happy and are so much fun to watch as they learn and grow and both in such different ways being in such different parts of their lives.

 Kalayla is brilliant. My wife and I the other day realized this year we really haven't helped with her homework at all. Maybe a little bit one day a week but really not much at all. She is doing great in school. Last year we would help her every night and sometimes continue to help her in the morning because it was getting so late. She is not only brilliant when it comes to getting everything done, she is our reader. She loves reading. I am almost positive she doesn't go a day without reading for fun. She has stuff for school she has to do and read but is always reading books all the time. She is becoming more funny every day it seems and in understand more how humor works. She has an amazing imagination writing her own stories almost as much as she reads them. She is our girl who could be alone in a room and play for hours with her imagination. I love her dearly.

Then there is our new baby girl who my wife lovingly calls Ky Ky. Kya is such a fun little baby to watch grow, change,  and develop.  The other day I started freaking out because she was standing. Not like standing for a couple seconds. She stood for almost a minute without holding anything. It was awesome. She is starting to play games with us and understand how to be silly and do things that we react to and laugh about. She loves her sister so much and is always happy to be whisked away to play with her. She is constantly moving and crawling and pulling herself up on stuff, becoming more confident every day with what she is able to do. Her smile is as beautiful as her big sisters and I love her so much.

So those are my girls. My two beautiful girls whom I love so much. I brag about them, I show pictures to everyone about them, I am so proud of them. I say this because I also struggle with the idea that I get frustrated with them. I don't want to play with them all the time. I am annoyed  with them at times. It is exhausting just to take care of their needs let alone play games, be goofy, and entertain them. I have been feeling a real conviction lately with this. Praying and working on giving my girls the attention of a father.

Now I want you to be  careful here. I still want them to know there is a time to play and a time when other things need to get done. My struggle is pulling myself out of the mindset 'what is best for me' and think about 'what is best for them'. Ask myself the question, what fills their hearts up? As I sit here and ponder this question I think to our Father.

He always has the time for us and only asks that we seek him. Now if I am called to by like my Father in heaven and reflect him through me then the fact that I struggle to give my babies attention while the are seeking me is the exact opposite of what our God does for us. He just asks us to come to him. My girls are consistently coming to me. He is waiting and watching with open arms. I am elaborating if I have the time, the will, and the energy to connect with them before I make a decision. He is perfect in his response wanting what is best for us and allowing us to rest in Him. Yes, I want what is best for my girls, but I do not allow them to always rest in me. Now I say rest in me as in the Sabbath type of rest. Connect with me in a way that fills them up to help carry them through the week is the rest I am talking about.

Now I am not trying to say I am a horrible father. I want to challenge myself to be a better father and strive to be the best father. How can I do that but to take from our Father and see and understand how he treats me, loves me, and reacts to me. No I will never be as perfect as him, but I can strive to love my kids in a way in which I more easily make sacrifices for them. If I do this enough they are no longer sacrifices, but become built in reactions to loving them both. The way that our Father loves us.

Sabbath

A day of religious observance and abstinence from work. 

Above is a simple definition of the word or practice of Sabbath. I am currently in a discipleship group in which I am being mentored and taught how to bring people into my life to help them grow as individuals, believers, and become part of my families life. It is a great experience that I am going through with 3 other men with one being our teacher. 

So back to the Sabbath. In our group we are being challenged to look at what it means to Sabbath. Using the word Sabbath as not a day, but an action linked with a day. What is the true meaning behind this day of rest and reflection. While discussing this with my colleagues, one of them shared about the mindset of God in creation. That on the 6th day God created man. Then the very next day he rested. He didn't give man a list of chores to do or instructions on how to do things. He didn't give man busy work, it says he rested. Now the fact that he rested we can guess that man rested in him. The 7th day man spent time with God, growing near to God. 

This was a very interesting point that was brought up and then lead to the idea that we are not working for the weekend or towards the Sabbath, but we Sabbath to get ready for the week of work. To rest in Christ is to push for intentional actions that are restful. Now you may ask what do you mean by intentional actions? Well that depends. 

Lets look at a few things that I know I like to do to unplug. Netflix, oh how many hours I have wasted binge watching episodes on Netflix. You sit down in the morning to watch your favorite show and soon you have watched the whole season and its almost time for dinner. This has happened to the best of us I am sure. Now is that rest? Can we count that as Sabbath? I would argue as would my friend that that is not restful in the intent to Sabbath. Your body and soul aren't getting nourishment through disconnecting mentally and laying on the couch all day. I also like to go on my facebook and see everything that people our posting as far as pictures, videos, and such. This can lead to scrolling through the news feed constantly being unplugged from the world around me. Tuning out my wife, my kids, my pets, and myself doing anything healthy. 

So what can we do to Sabbath? Well I am still figuring this out and talking through this with my wife to hopefully plan out a day each week where we can wake up and enjoy the whole day as the Sabbath doing the things that fill us up. I enjoy reading very much but do not make the time for it or am to tired to do it throughout the week. So reading is something I am looking forward to do as we began to have our day of rest. I also am starting to enjoy writing more and more as you may have guessed, the reason I started this blog. We want to be intentional about doing a study together on this day not because we have to and rush through it, but because we want to and really want to communicate our thoughts and feelings as we dive into scripture. I love having a good cup of  coffee. It maybe the day where we throw our diet to the wind and have that good cup of coffee, latte, mocha, just how we like it. It is a day where we plan to have our favorite meals but we prepare them the night before so that on the Sabbath we don't have to worry about prep, clean up, dishes, and so forth. We can just pop whatever it is in the oven and enjoy it. When the suns out it is wonderful to be outside and enjoy the beauty God has given us, so that would mean going for a walk or relaxing in the back yard, and maybe even taking a nap in the hammock. Playing with your kids and having no care or worry of what needs to get done in the house or at work. Just looking at awe and wonder as your baby discovers a ladybug for the first time or when your 9 year old is telling you about a story she is writing. To have the time to listen and fully engage with the people we love. 

Starting to do Sabbath is choosing to unplug for our overly busy lives and plugging into our God through slowing down to see him, to see our family, see our friends, and to rest our bodies. Putting our phones away, our computers away (unless writing), or tablets away and being with those that we love as well as doing something for ourselves. If you love baking then bake and clean the mess up tomorrow. I love creating and building so maybe some days I will have wood ready and waiting in the garage and build something that I have been thinking about for a while. Yes, you can watch your favorite show if it brings you joy, but you can not let it consume you and suck you in to the point where you are unplugging form the rest of the world and sucked into the tv. 

This all sounds like such a wonderful, almost easy thing to do. Check again. My wife and I are overwhelmed just thinking about figuring out how to do this, especially with a baby and 9 year old (more so the baby). We look at all the things we need to do to maintain, to clean, to cook, prepare, take care of, and so forth. We have schedules and lists that seem to never end and only grow. That is all the more why starting to learn how to Sabbath is so important. Training ourselves to not worry about the lists and to focus on the relationships. To stop the busyness for just one day so that when that day is over you can more effectively handle the busyness for the next 6 days and do things more clearly and focused. To be refilled in such a way that your relationships during your week can benefit because you have been able to reset and refocus on God and loving your neighbor. 

I am working through with my wife and family what it means to Sabbath and how we can incorporate it into our lives. We are nervous and excited. We are having to figure out what we can get done so that we are able to Sabbath. We are figuring out how we can work harder the day before so that the Sabbath for us can be a day of no worries or stress. If you are reading this I hope that you consider what it means to Sabbath and how important it really could be in changing your life as a whole. 

Community

Something interesting that I have been think about for a few years now and have talked about and discussed for the last couple months with Shannon and our friends is the idea of living in community. Not just all in the same sub, but to be intentional enough to live in the same house or houses built on the same lot intentionally to live, share, and do life together.

This isn't a new idea and is actually something that people have and are practicing currently all over the world. I think though we look at the idea of having to share our space, having less space, or have community space tends to turn us off. We are brought up in a culture and society that teaches us we need so many square feet for ourselves and our spouse and if we have kids then we need that much more square feet.

This trend is starting to change with the tiny house movement in which people are building homes that are 400 sq ft or less. Many of them being 200 sq ft or less and most of the time they are on wheels so therefore can be moved with the family if they choose to relocate. Now there are more singles and couples living in homes like this but there indeed are families of 3 and 4 doing this as well. People are choosing  to do this to live simplistically, get out of debt, stay out of debt, and improving the over all quality of life by eliminating extra space and things that we really don't mean.

I would be lying if I said that when I heard about the whole tiny house thing that I wasn't interested. I was very interested to say the least. A little about me is I get excited about things and fixated as well at times. I  was newly married with my wife and daughter and another little one on the way. So the practicality of all of us living in  a tiny room on wheels wasn't a great point of conversation. Did I say we have a dog too? 2 Cats?

Ok so Shannon, who is extremely more patient with me than she should be, wasn' t doing cartwheels over the whole tiny house idea. Understandably so I can see now. Though at the time I was showing her many articles with families who did it and made it work and where better off for it.

But what I did do by presenting the idea was start a conversation of what we really do and do not need in our life and the idea of downsizing and living simplistically and below our means. By doing this our focus turns from our things and our space to our family and our friends. Sound familiar. "Love your neighbor as yourself mentality". If we aren't so focused on what we need and want to fill our lives, we may be able to focus on those around us a little bit more as well as ourselves n a holistic, holy way.

Ok, so back to the whole community thing. We have small group that has grown and changed over the 2 years we have been meeting and it has been a huge blessing to grow and learn along side the people we have invited into our home. We have been able to serve together, learn together, laugh together, mourn together, eat together, party together, celebrate weddings together, birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, and so much more. We are living life together to the best of our ability and it is hard at times with all of us in different careers, homes, locations, points in life. and so forth.
Many of these people have been watching Shannon and I raise our girls and the girls look to many of them as family.

So one night I decided to throw an idea out to a few people who were over about what they thought about all  living together in a large home where everyone could have their own bedrooms and such and doing life together. It was just a piece for conversation, but it was awesome to see the excitement and thought process that went into it.

We were looking at the benefits and negatives in it and we were struggling to see the real negatives. The biggest one we could come up with was privacy outside your room. That was pretty much it. We talked  about how if we all split the mortgage it would save everyone money, save money on food, bills, repairs, and many other things. So from a financial stand point it makes a lot of sense.

Also from the doing life together stand point we were thinking how it would be a huge change in mindset, but with the right mindset we could see an outstanding reward.

We would be able to have a community of people literally doing life together. Having to interact everyday and support one another in each others lives. We were even more taken back when people in our group started saying how they would want to take care and help raise our girls to allow us to have a break once in a while and have time for us. We were blown away that this was even mentioned  and I really started to see how and why this was such a powerful thing for the early church and early Christians to live in community.

The thought of coming home from work, or being home as others come home from work and people you have decided that you care about and you want to do life with are there. People that you can talk to about your thoughts, struggles, concerns with. People you don't have to pick up the phone to call. These people as well are allowing you to be financially free because the bills are split between everyone and the concern that money brings in not a worry or thought. Those people not just a part of your life, living their life along side of you, your spouse, your children. They are the second greatest influence to your children next to you. They are people that you trust and are allowing your self to be vulnerable to by allowing yourself to live in a community with them. What does that mean?

That means you are leaving your self open to allowing people to see you at your weakest and strongest. That is allowing people to see you when you are dressed your best and your worst. No hiding those uncomfortable situations in which your body makes a sound that only you wish you would have heard. I know it sounds silly but think about it with me. People making a choice to live in community to support, encourage, and challenge each other to grow and individuals, as a group, and in our faith collectively.

As I write this is get excited and passionate about this idea.  Now you all wouldn't have to live in the same house. I could also see a couple houses in the same area or lot or whatever you want. The  idea of doing life together daily intrigues me.  The idea of allowing people into your life on an every day basis I think could be something very powerful. I don't know really what more to say but I think that this is a thought, an idea, that has so much potential for good and growth that I can only hope that maybe it will continue to stir in me enough to take steps to draw those close to me even closer.

Yes Be Your Yes

Yesterday morning I had a moment to teach my oldest daughter Kalayla something invaluable that I have been thinking a lot about the last few weeks in my own life.

At her school they are always doing fundraisers for different causes which is a great thing. There are many organizations that her school helps with and usually each month their chapel money is designated to help a different ministry or organization. This month they made a game out of it and have buckets for each class. Change in coins counts for your total and bills count against your total. This means you put your bills you bring in for other classes buckets and coins for your class. Great idea and the kids really get into it.

So back to yesterday morning. We are all up and just finished breakfast. As I am waiting in the kitchen for Kalayla with Shannon and the baby, she walks in with a black plastic bag full of change. I asked her what the change was for and she proceeds to tell me that it is to help her class win at donation wars. I ask her where she got the change from and she says from my donation envelope.

A little back story here is that our daughter has a savings, spending, and donation envelope we got her to try and learn how to manage money better. The thing is we really haven't been helping her a lot with it lately.

Ok, so the change was coming from her donation envelope. I asked if it was all of the money from your donation envelope and she said yes.

 Now here is the thing, last year Kalayla came up to me and said daddy I have money I want to donate to the Brazil trip. (A mission trip I lead through my church). I was blown away that my 8 year old at the time was thinking about donating to this trip. It was exciting to see, but we were about to leave on the trip so I let her know that she could hang on to it or use it for something else because we had finally finished paying for our whole trip. She then said that she wanted to save up her giving money all year and then donate it to the Brazil trip next year. I asked if she really wanted to do that and she said yes.

Fast forward back to yesterday. I am in the kitchen with Kalayla holding all of her money ready to bring it to her school so that her class can win the donation war challenge. I sit her down and talk with her about how she had said the money was for Brazil and I was confused why she was donating it for something else. Sparing you the whole conversation and you may have already guessed she was excited to bring money to help her class win. I asked her what the money was for and she said she didn't remember and then after thinking for a bit was able to tell me.

There were so many lessons in this 5 minute exchange that I wanted  to work through with her and we touched on a few of them as far as knowing what you are donating to, why do we donate, but most importantly I told her she needed to let her yes be her yes and her no be her no. (James  5:12)

I began reminding her about what we talked about last year and what she wanted to donate her money to and she started to get upset because she thought she was still doing good. I asked her what was the reason she wanted to donate to said cause and a big part of it was because it was a competition. I get it. I let her know that it wasn't that she was doing something wrong by donating, but by changing her word essentially to have fun or benefit her self even though it was benefiting others.

"Let what you say be simply 'yes' or 'no'; anything more than this comes from evil."

I shared this bible verse with her and asked her if she knew what it meant.  She said she did. I told her that it isn't about making promises, crossing our hearts, swearing, or blood oath. In life none of those things are necessary if we let our yes be our yes. If we never make a promise in  our whole life, but always let our yes be our yes it is better than  a promise. People around you will know that you keep your word no matter what you say. You don't let life or passion get the best of you when you are telling someone you will do something.

It was something that after I got to share with her I began to reflect on it myself. I for one have not always let my yes be my yes. That also applies to letting your no be your no. You can not say no to someone and then decide ok you will help them out, or let them use something of your. If this continues it gives a false impression of yourself that you are someone who will waiver and can be swayed either way. This also allows opportunity to be taken advantage of being over worked, over committed, stressed, and more. In ministry it took me a couple years to be able to say no. I was always saying yes and got to the point where I was doing so many things that weren't apart of my ministry that I and the ministry began to suffer because of it. 

We are called to be clear and honest in our relations with those around us so that we can show ourselves in the true light of who we are. We are called to be sons and daughters of our Savior. To show that he is in us as we are in him we need to allow our choices small or large to be thought through before responded to. When we don't do these we can hurt others and ourselves. 

Like I said earlier this is something that I struggle with and is the reason I am writing about it right now. I more than I can count have told my wife I would do something for her, or take care of something and didn't follow through. I let her down as a husband, friend, and brother in Christ. I have created uncertainty at times in our relationships with my wife's ability to trust when I say something. This is a fault in which I desperately need and want to change about myself and need to work on it daily to honor not only my wife my but my Savior. Who let his word be his promise. That he was and is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He kept his word so that we can be saved. We are called to keep our word so that we can show his love through all that we say and do. 

Waking

As her hands are moving she lets out a deep sigh as she catches a glimpse of me watcher her in the doorway. I step closer to see the smile on her face grow as she looks up at me. Her cheeks grow larger and her eyes squint with happiness as if she has not seen me for such a long time. It is the same smile I get from my wife and oldest daughter when I have returned from a trip that has taken me far away for weeks.

Our baby looks at me as if nothing else matters at that moment because I am there to pick her up, to love her, hold her. and kiss her. I have started the habit of not picking her up because I know once i do she will start looking around in wonder at all the things in her room. I stand over her for a few minutes and let the joy from her fill me up in the most wonderful way as only a daughters love can fill a father.

These moments with her in the morning remind me of how our Father loves us and how I hope and pray we can love him in return. I want to work at waking up in the mornings full of awe and wonder at the sunlight. I want to wake with fullness of knowing that I am loved and filled with the feelings of seeing someone you love for the first time in many days. The overwhelming flood of joy and peace that they are home safe. I want the beauty of the sunlight to cause me to see God, to point me towards my father in heaven as he smiles back at me.

I don't want him to pick me up and carry me right away as he has done so many times and will continue to do throughout my life. I want him to let me look Him, focus on Him, take Him in for a little bit before we start the next journey. I want to be filled up with the presence of my Father as he looks down at me, because I know that when I smile back at Him, He is filled up in the most wonderful way as only a child's love can fill a Father.

Only Him

I have been confused, indifferent, and searching and trying to explain to others the pains that are apart of the world we live in. A family that I know, who has rose above insurmountable trails already, has been hit hard with some crippling news about the health of their son. A boy I got to get a glimpse of last year as I got to mentor him and 3 of his friends in my office a few times a month throughout the school year.

I am not here to share his story, I am not here to share their story, these things will and have been done. I am here right now to look into the broken world in which we live and to hope to see the Only One who can make sense of it all. The brokenness of this family, the attacks all around the world shaking everyone, the daily struggles we face as parents, students, children, friends, all of it can only make sense through Him.

I recently was a part of a bible study with a group of college students this week and at one point we discussed how we react to the strong Christians around us and in the public eye when they fail. Many times the failures of our brothers and sisters erase all that they have done to glorify God in our eyes. This is heavy on my heart to see and know this. Last time I picked up scripture and studied the life of my Savior I am pretty sure he made it clear that we can do nothing without him. We are hopeless, in a broken world full of sin, death, cancer, disease, war, hate, loneliness, greed, and so much more evil. We are and have nothing without him.

I know the struggles my family faces and at times the seem so dismal compared to our friends struggling life, for hope, for a miracle. The blessing in life is we already have the miracle of Christ. The miracle of salvation. This, at times, can be hard to remember. We don’t want to be on this earth without the ones we love. We don’t want to experience new adventures without them by our sides. I can not begin to imagine the pain and heartache of loosing my spouse or my daughters. I have been blessed beyond belief in the ways my life has unfolded. I sit and reflect what would I do if I was faced with such hardship. I can’t speculate or tell you what I would do. I can only hold on to what I know is true and hope and pray that if a time comes where my world shatters that I know these things.

What I know is true is Jesus Christ loves me with all of his heart in a way that only he can love. I know that I will never fully understand the reasons behind why things happen in this world aside from we are a broken world. I do not know the grand picture of what my life will be on earth and what God’s plan for me is. I know that there is hope of a future that will be something that I will never be able to imagine. It will be more amazing than my wedding day, honeymoon, or the two days that I became a father to my girls. I know that that hope and that future is not here on earth. God is good. He is the Only One.

My hope is that we can cling to these truths as we walk and live in this world around us. That we can know these truths when we are faced with adversity, when we are so disheveled that we can no longer move, when we are completely and utterly broken, that we cling to our Savior. That we can know Him as He knows us. That we can allow him to carry us, nurture us, and guide us to the hope we have in him.